• Aries God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz.
  • Taurus Fire magics are strong in Taurus this week. Carry a steel dog tag in one shoe to help rescue workers identify your charred and blasted corpse.
  • Gemini Childhood fears rear their ugly head once more this week when a mistakenly swallowed seed results in a 12-pound watermelon growing out of your rectum.
  • Cancer Strong Earth magic in the Crab indicates success waiting for you in the challenging, fast-paced world of professional grave robbery.
  • Leo It's time to let bygones be bygones. Release Angela Lansbury from the basement after one last beating.
  • Virgo The shock of Rick Dees untimely death is softened somewhat when his will names you as the new Arbiter of Cool.
  • Libra You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice.
  • Scorpio The appearance of an adorable stray kitten means great Thai food for you and a mysterious stranger.
  • Sagittarius Shame will dog your heels this week when a musical based on your life is banned in New York, but earns rave reviews in the ultra-conservative, Bible-thumping Deep South.
  • Capricorn Nobody is surprised at your cowardice when you hide in the basement after being challenged to a duel to the death by sultry songstress Eartha Kitt.
  • Aquarius Your value rises when the president develops an urge to drink sacramental wine from your skull and places a million-dollar bounty on your head.
  • Pisces You'll have a heartwarming week when you, your adorable basset hound Snoops and a lovable band of misfits hijack a bus and go on a tri-state killing spree.