Aries God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz.
Taurus Fire magics are strong in Taurus this week. Carry a steel dog tag in one shoe to help rescue workers identify your charred and blasted corpse.
Gemini Childhood fears rear their ugly head once more this week when a mistakenly swallowed seed results in a 12-pound watermelon growing out of your rectum.
Cancer Strong Earth magic in the Crab indicates success waiting for you in the challenging, fast-paced world of professional grave robbery.
Leo It's time to let bygones be bygones. Release Angela Lansbury from the basement after one last beating.
Virgo The shock of Rick Dees untimely death is softened somewhat when his will names you as the new Arbiter of Cool.
Libra You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice.
Scorpio The appearance of an adorable stray kitten means great Thai food for you and a mysterious stranger.
Sagittarius Shame will dog your heels this week when a musical based on your life is banned in New York, but earns rave reviews in the ultra-conservative, Bible-thumping Deep South.
Capricorn Nobody is surprised at your cowardice when you hide in the basement after being challenged to a duel to the death by sultry songstress Eartha Kitt.
Aquarius Your value rises when the president develops an urge to drink sacramental wine from your skull and places a million-dollar bounty on your head.
Pisces You'll have a heartwarming week when you, your adorable basset hound Snoops and a lovable band of misfits hijack a bus and go on a tri-state killing spree.
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