Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

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Aries Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.

Taurus Both of your city's mayoral candidates will take a cheap and easy stab at popularity bycondemning you as a major part of their platforms.

Gemini The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack ofwoodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.

Cancer This week's events will involve elaborate sets, a full orchestra, and more than 40costume changes as you redefine the term "trial of the century."

Leo You will learn afterwards that the interesting and painful experience is known as"keelhauling."

Virgo Though you are, indeed, woman, it is difficult to hear you roar. Speak up.

Libra Just so you know, Orwell's vision of the future as "a boot stamping on a humanfaceóforever" is not supposed to be sexy.

Scorpio Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headedyour way.

Sagittarius Please stop telling your lover that you will give her the stars in the sky. You have noidea how much we Zodiac folks resent it when people do that.

Capricorn You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest isnow your common-law wife.

Aquarius Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until youhave earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.

Pisces It's true that if you laugh the world laughs with you, but in your case you'll have tospend some time explaining the joke.

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