Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•34 Sep 26, 2001
  • Aries Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
  • Taurus Both of your city's mayoral candidates will take a cheap and easy stab at popularity bycondemning you as a major part of their platforms.
  • Gemini The camping trip you've looked forward to for so long is ruined by a pack ofwoodchucks, the biggest bastards in the animal kingdom.
  • Cancer This week's events will involve elaborate sets, a full orchestra, and more than 40costume changes as you redefine the term "trial of the century."
  • Leo You will learn afterwards that the interesting and painful experience is known as"keelhauling."
  • Virgo Though you are, indeed, woman, it is difficult to hear you roar. Speak up.
  • Libra Just so you know, Orwell's vision of the future as "a boot stamping on a humanfaceóforever" is not supposed to be sexy.
  • Scorpio Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headedyour way.
  • Sagittarius Please stop telling your lover that you will give her the stars in the sky. You have noidea how much we Zodiac folks resent it when people do that.
  • Capricorn You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest isnow your common-law wife.
  • Aquarius Though your showbiz career is progressing nicely, you won't be a true success until youhave earned the respect and approval of your lawyer.
  • Pisces It's true that if you laugh the world laughs with you, but in your case you'll have tospend some time explaining the joke.