Aries It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement.
Taurus Your moodiness, lack of productivity, and wasteful habit of just riding around the main roads will get you fired from your job as a Wichita-area lineman.
Gemini You will be the first one put up against the wall in next week's bloody revolution in skin care.
Cancer It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman.
Leo For the last time: Yes, there is a parasitic life form growing in some sort of pod deep inside your body, but this is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman.
Virgo Tired of the austerity of modern architecture and disdainful of minimalist doctrine, you'll probably just stay home and order a pizza Thursday.
Libra The gods, in their jealous wrath, will command you to perform the labors of Hercules next week, but it turns out to be a snap with the aid of modern technology.
Scorpio Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
Sagittarius You will come close to being a hero next Friday when you nearly push an old lady out of the way of a speeding bus.
Capricorn Remember: Doing the right thing is nowhere near as important as whether others think you're cool.
Aquarius You won't be too worried about the buildup of trinitrotolulene in your system, until you figure out it's the scientific term for dynamite.
Pisces Being an animated skeleton wouldn't be all that bad if it weren't for the incessant xylophone music.
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