Horoscope for the week of September 26, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•35 Sep 26, 2002
  • Aries It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement.
  • Taurus Your moodiness, lack of productivity, and wasteful habit of just riding around the main roads will get you fired from your job as a Wichita-area lineman.
  • Gemini You will be the first one put up against the wall in next week's bloody revolution in skin care.
  • Cancer It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman.
  • Leo For the last time: Yes, there is a parasitic life form growing in some sort of pod deep inside your body, but this is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman.
  • Virgo Tired of the austerity of modern architecture and disdainful of minimalist doctrine, you'll probably just stay home and order a pizza Thursday.
  • Libra The gods, in their jealous wrath, will command you to perform the labors of Hercules next week, but it turns out to be a snap with the aid of modern technology.
  • Scorpio Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Sagittarius You will come close to being a hero next Friday when you nearly push an old lady out of the way of a speeding bus.
  • Capricorn Remember: Doing the right thing is nowhere near as important as whether others think you're cool.
  • Aquarius You won't be too worried about the buildup of trinitrotolulene in your system, until you figure out it's the scientific term for dynamite.
  • Pisces Being an animated skeleton wouldn't be all that bad if it weren't for the incessant xylophone music.