Horoscope for the week of September 27, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•34 Sep 27, 2000
  • Aries When all is said and done, you're going to miss the Whitewater investigation.
  • Taurus After nine attempts, nearly a million dollars spent, and the deaths of nine Sherpa guides, you will finally make it to the top of K8492, the world's 8,492nd-highest mountain.
  • Gemini The very future of humanity probably won't hinge on your knowing the difference between igneous and sedimentary rock, but, hey, you never know.
  • Cancer If Cancer hears one more "crab" joke, it's no more handsome, dark strangers for a whole yearñunderstand?
  • Leo You will soon find out how far you can push the famous Aussie sense of humor.
  • Virgo The problem with people like you is that you're always procrastinating. That and weakened pulmonary arteries.
  • Libra Sorry, nothing for you this week. Check back in seven days for exciting out-of-control-gasoline-truck news.
  • Scorpio You will be drugged, hustled into the back of a van, and abducted to Utah, where mysterious operatives will make you a better real-estate agent.
  • Sagittarius The stars have decided to fulfill an age-old prophecy and fall on Alabama. Get out of Mobile now.
  • Capricorn When your doctor prescribed Magnitor, you thought it was an anti-depressant, not a mutant 500-foot lizard-gorilla creature with nuclear vision.
  • Aquarius You'll have plenty of time in jail to think about what you've done while spending the next 34 years as a prison guard.
  • Pisces Pisces is proud to announce its merger with British banking giant NatWest. However, your position will be terminated as of Oct. 15. Thank you.