Aries When all is said and done, you're going to miss the Whitewater investigation.
Taurus After nine attempts, nearly a million dollars spent, and the deaths of nine Sherpa guides, you will finally make it to the top of K8492, the world's 8,492nd-highest mountain.
Gemini The very future of humanity probably won't hinge on your knowing the difference between igneous and sedimentary rock, but, hey, you never know.
Cancer If Cancer hears one more "crab" joke, it's no more handsome, dark strangers for a whole yearñunderstand?
Leo You will soon find out how far you can push the famous Aussie sense of humor.
Virgo The problem with people like you is that you're always procrastinating. That and weakened pulmonary arteries.
Libra Sorry, nothing for you this week. Check back in seven days for exciting out-of-control-gasoline-truck news.
Scorpio You will be drugged, hustled into the back of a van, and abducted to Utah, where mysterious operatives will make you a better real-estate agent.
Sagittarius The stars have decided to fulfill an age-old prophecy and fall on Alabama. Get out of Mobile now.
Capricorn When your doctor prescribed Magnitor, you thought it was an anti-depressant, not a mutant 500-foot lizard-gorilla creature with nuclear vision.
Aquarius You'll have plenty of time in jail to think about what you've done while spending the next 34 years as a prison guard.
Pisces Pisces is proud to announce its merger with British banking giant NatWest. However, your position will be terminated as of Oct. 15. Thank you.
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