Horoscope for the week of September 29, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•35 Sep 29, 1999
  • Aries Though the divine order from the Archangel Michael is clear, you find it impossible to decide if it should be Hall or Oates who pays for our sins.
  • Taurus The stars say hello from a neat little roadside cafe in Montana this week. They would write more, but there isn't a lot of room on the postcard.
  • Gemini Mercury is rising in your sign this week. Take immediate action, or Gemini runs the risk of permanent physical and mental damage from heavy-metal poisoning.
  • Cancer Remember: There's always someone out there who loves you, so be careful walking home late at night.
  • Leo You will experience the joy of seeing a small child's face light up like a Christmas tree when you grind your cigarette into his gasoline-soaked hair.
  • Virgo You will get some really good drugs this week. Unfortunately, it might as well be aspirin for all it does for your leukemia.
  • Libra You will be forced to quit your job to concentrate on being a better Lutheran.
  • Scorpio You're charged full of energy this week, which is not surprising, as you are a charmed quark.
  • Sagittarius Your love life will come to a sudden halt this week at the very same moment your biological life does.
  • Capricorn You will soon have the best day you've had in a while. Of course, that just means no rapacious walruses, but you have to start somewhere.
  • Aquarius Despite the best efforts of your parents and the educational advantages you've enjoyed, you still have a favorite ad.
  • Pisces A long-lost lover will turn up unexpectedly and complicate your life. Next time, weigh down the corpse better and sink it away from the current.