Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•34 Sep 3, 2003
  • Aries A revolutionary idea for a clean, economic mass-transit system will strike you in the middle of the night, powdering both your femurs.
  • Taurus You'll finally lose your long and painful battle with stomach cancer for the hand of the beautiful Esther.
  • Gemini Although your life has not assumed the lyrical beauty of Wallace Stevens' poetry, it's right on the money as far as the terrifying sense of loneliness is concerned.
  • Cancer Your habit of insisting that "the future is now" is leading people to wonder what you think comes after this.
  • Leo It's hard to say this, especially in binary:
    1101110010000001111001
    0110111101110010010111
    0111000010101000100110.
  • Virgo You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.
  • Libra You'll trade a chance to be the talk of the cocktail-party circuit for a plate of fried chicken, proving that you're no dummy.
  • Scorpio History remembers the inventor of the machine gun, but not its first victim. Your role as the recipient of the first ice-pick noogie will likewise be anonymous.
  • Sagittarius You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
  • Capricorn Your long-held belief that women are beautiful no matter what their size will continue to net thoughtful nods from everyone you meet.
  • Aquarius You've been busting your hump at your thankless job for years, so it'll be a grave injustice when your company refuses to pay for life-saving hump surgery.
  • Pisces Everything you've ever believed will be called into question when it turns out that Cap'n Crunch is a real guy.