Horoscope for the week of September 3, 2003

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Aries A revolutionary idea for a clean, economic mass-transit system will strike you in the middle of the night, powdering both your femurs.

Taurus You'll finally lose your long and painful battle with stomach cancer for the hand of the beautiful Esther.

Gemini Although your life has not assumed the lyrical beauty of Wallace Stevens' poetry, it's right on the money as far as the terrifying sense of loneliness is concerned.

Cancer Your habit of insisting that "the future is now" is leading people to wonder what you think comes after this.

Leo It's hard to say this, especially in binary:
1101110010000001111001
0110111101110010010111
0111000010101000100110.

Virgo You've learned a few things in your life, but as you'll soon see, looking both ways before crossing the street isn't one of them.

Libra You'll trade a chance to be the talk of the cocktail-party circuit for a plate of fried chicken, proving that you're no dummy.

Scorpio History remembers the inventor of the machine gun, but not its first victim. Your role as the recipient of the first ice-pick noogie will likewise be anonymous.

Sagittarius You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.

Capricorn Your long-held belief that women are beautiful no matter what their size will continue to net thoughtful nods from everyone you meet.

Aquarius You've been busting your hump at your thankless job for years, so it'll be a grave injustice when your company refuses to pay for life-saving hump surgery.

Pisces Everything you've ever believed will be called into question when it turns out that Cap'n Crunch is a real guy.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of September ... » (September 10, 2003)

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