Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 32•09 Sep 30, 1997
  • Aries You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.
  • Taurus Strive for a sense of equilibrium. When someone asks you how you are doing, reply, “Oh, you know, I’ve been better, and I’ve been worse.”
  • Gemini Go a little bit crazy this week: Get liquored up on cheap vermouth, steal a tractor-trailer rig, and drive it around, steering with your feet.
  • Cancer Your boss takes you aside and gently points out a few things about your work which could use improving. Show him you understand by killing his children.
  • Leo You will lose your life savings betting against the Vegas odds on your love life.
  • Virgo Resolve difficulties between feuding family members by inviting them over to your house for a roast. Everyone likes a nice roast.
  • Libra Your 17-song album of Cole Porter covers will only sell six copies, despite the fact that you are one of the world’s top 1,000 touch typists.
  • Scorpio Pluto’s presence in Scorpio is impossible to discern with the naked eye.
  • Sagittarius You will experience a profound awakening this week when a drunken Gemini driving a stolen tractor-trailer rig with his feet plows into your house at 3 a.m.
  • Capricorn After a dry spell of 30 years, your sex life is revitalized this week by a group of masochistic wrestling cheerleaders, a skein of orange yarn, a rocking chair, and a Tesla coil.
  • Aquarius You experience a nameless sense of dread when your mother fails to make her weekly “I never wanted you” phone call.
  • Pisces Fire and water magic are especially strong in Pisces this week. Cleanse your soul with a healthy, refreshing jet of high-pressure steam until your skin falls off in sheets.