Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 34•09 Sep 30, 1998
  • Aries Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules."
  • Taurus Fame, fortune and heavy-metal prowess are yours this week when you find your soul has been switched with that of Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler.
  • Gemini A sort of happiness will be yours when, for the first time in your life, someone actually notices that you exist.
  • Cancer This week's overhaul of OSHA regulations means a sharp rise in the quality of crap you have to put up with from now on.
  • Leo You'll be faced with a financial crisis and cleaning problem when your crazy roommate attempts to saw herself in half.
  • Virgo After hundreds of hours of tests, the editors of Car And Driver will announce that you are the worst-handling Virgo they've ever driven.
  • Libra Your spectacular canoeing death will owe much to the life's work of David Bushnell (1742-1824), inventor of the submersible anti-ship mine.
  • Scorpio You may think you scored a victory at a recent land-use-committee meeting, but next week you will be painfully re-zoned for commercial use.
  • Sagittarius There is no end in sight to the growing sense of horror and existential dread you have been experiencing since 1989.
  • Capricorn Absolutely nothing will go right in your life this week. You must not let this bother you, however, because you are Marcus Aurelius, father of stoicism.
  • Aquarius The Heavenly Host will appear to you in a vision this week, offering you drinks and snacks and telling you to sit anywhere you like.
  • Pisces Your sweetness of disposition, generous nature and charming personality are overshadowed by your foul and unnatural love of Broadway musicals.