Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

Horoscope ISSUE 30•04 Sep 4, 1996
  • Aries It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages.
  • Taurus You will become the focus of national loathing this week when famed and beloved “Little Person” Billy Barty is killed by your brand new 20-foot-high electric fence.
  • Gemini Your lifelong battle with genital odor will be won this week, thanks to the twin miracles of wire brushes and lye.
  • Cancer Venus ascendant in your sign means increased romantic opportunity. You will once more be hit by a bus attempting to screw anything that moves.
  • Leo A show of humility is in order after it is demonstrated that you cannot, in fact, stop a rapidly spinning drill bit with your lips.
  • Virgo An awkward social situation arises when Bob Hope’s ghost materializes at your wedding and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
  • Libra Trouble with authority figures is possible for Libra in early September. Don’t try to tell the judge any “Old switcheroo” style jokes about your drunken low rider/high chair incident.
  • Scorpio Your religious faith is shaken to its foundations when a new translation of the Bible asks you to Praise The Lard.
  • Sagittarius The first of the month can mean but one thing for the Sagittarius. It is time once more to double your intake of prescription medicine.
  • Capricorn The entire Southern region of the United States will fall in love with you overnight as you accidentally win three straight stock car races.
  • Aquarius Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Continue wearing your crash helmet to bed.
  • Pisces An eerie sense of doom enters your mealtimes as the fortune cookie people continue their vendetta against you.