• Aries You'll barely be able to make it through the day knowing that Ben Vereen is disappointed in you.
  • Taurus The stars appreciate that you want to protest rampant corporate corruption, but they don't see what you think the giant puppets are going to accomplish.
  • Gemini You will be the first person in almost three millennia whom the gods see fit to punish for an astounding lack of hubris.
  • Cancer You understand that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but you still aren't sure which is supposed to be better.
  • Leo This Saturday, evil gangsters will target an FBI crime dog who lives with a goofy mailman. Fortunately, it will happen on HBO, so you're still safe for the time being.
  • Virgo The reality is, if people can't believe that yellow grease is not butter, this country is seriously fucked up.
  • Libra Your confusion over the baffling ordeal of modern life is only made worse by the strobe lights and klaxons.
  • Scorpio You may not be able to walk, but you refuse to think of yourself as handicapped. You prefer to see yourself as "handi-crippled."
  • Sagittarius You understand that Alaska's economy has been hit hard by the poor salmon season, but you don't see how hunting you will improve matters.
  • Capricorn You will soon discover the only brand of stylish, functional, high-tech sunglasses that make you feel like a complete man.
  • Aquarius You thought you'd heard of all the kinky fetishes, but that was before next week's launch of a 24-hour doll-collecting channel.
  • Pisces You're familiar with the saying "throw the baby out with the bathwater," but you never imagined you'd actually find yourself in the situation.