Aries Despite your repeated entreaties, no one seems willing to take your wife. Perhaps you should consider adding the word "please" to your request.
Taurus The object of your affection seems oblivious to your romantic feelings. This is not surprising, as elephant seals have a limited capacity for empathy.
Gemini Three-inch heels are coming back into style. Unfortunately for you, though, they're expected to be attached to shoes.
Cancer The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
Leo By the time your clever ruse is exposed, you'll be safely across the Swiss border, which seems like an excessive response to substituting yogurt for sour cream in recipes.
Virgo This would be a good week to retake control of your life. Good, certainly, but not great.
Libra Much to your consternation, you discover that it takes more than nudity, llamas, and gin to scandalize the British consulate.
Scorpio You will reconsider your longtime conviction that there's nothing funny about brain cancer when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Sagittarius You will be pleased by your appointment as Emperor Of Ice Cream, as you like ice cream and have always wanted to wield authority.
Capricorn You will get a nose ring this week when you momentarily believe yourself to be a Brahma bull.
Aquarius You will receive a formal letter from Johnny Cash stating, in no uncertain terms, that he is very disappointed in you.
Pisces Remember: Sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what the jury sees first.
0