• Aries Despite your repeated entreaties, no one seems willing to take your wife. Perhaps you should consider adding the word "please" to your request.
  • Taurus The object of your affection seems oblivious to your romantic feelings. This is not surprising, as elephant seals have a limited capacity for empathy.
  • Gemini Three-inch heels are coming back into style. Unfortunately for you, though, they're expected to be attached to shoes.
  • Cancer The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
  • Leo By the time your clever ruse is exposed, you'll be safely across the Swiss border, which seems like an excessive response to substituting yogurt for sour cream in recipes.
  • Virgo This would be a good week to retake control of your life. Good, certainly, but not great.
  • Libra Much to your consternation, you discover that it takes more than nudity, llamas, and gin to scandalize the British consulate.
  • Scorpio You will reconsider your longtime conviction that there's nothing funny about brain cancer when presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
  • Sagittarius You will be pleased by your appointment as Emperor Of Ice Cream, as you like ice cream and have always wanted to wield authority.
  • Capricorn You will get a nose ring this week when you momentarily believe yourself to be a Brahma bull.
  • Aquarius You will receive a formal letter from Johnny Cash stating, in no uncertain terms, that he is very disappointed in you.
  • Pisces Remember: Sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what the jury sees first.