Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

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Aries A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.

Taurus After the traumatic events of next Friday, you'll never again wear pants with an ass in them.

Gemini You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life "tepid and predictable."

Cancer A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville's Moby Dick.

Leo You will soon be magically transformed back into a smelly, drunk-ass lout.

Virgo You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.

Libra Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.

Scorpio All the casual sex you've been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn't seem to hurt the strangers, though.

Sagittarius Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran's "Notorious," but sang "Sagittarius" instead of "notorious." It could be really cool if done right.

Capricorn Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.

Aquarius This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.

Pisces Drastic change will elude you for the 768th straight week this week.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of August ... (August 30, 2000)
Horoscope for the week of September ... » (September 13, 2000)

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