Horoscope for the week of September 6, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•31 Sep 6, 2000
  • Aries A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a New England Journal Of Medicine article about sexually transmitted myocardial illness.
  • Taurus After the traumatic events of next Friday, you'll never again wear pants with an ass in them.
  • Gemini You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life "tepid and predictable."
  • Cancer A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville's Moby Dick.
  • Leo You will soon be magically transformed back into a smelly, drunk-ass lout.
  • Virgo You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.
  • Libra Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about next week. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.
  • Scorpio All the casual sex you've been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn't seem to hurt the strangers, though.
  • Sagittarius Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran's "Notorious," but sang "Sagittarius" instead of "notorious." It could be really cool if done right.
  • Capricorn Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.
  • Aquarius This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.
  • Pisces Drastic change will elude you for the 768th straight week this week.