• Aries For years, you've been a fixture in your community, but next week they're tearing you down to build a shopping mall.
  • Taurus The stars have somehow managed to predict love for Taurus without moving, blinking or spelling out anything.
  • Gemini Gemini is now taking applications for part-time waitstaff positions. Must enjoy working with others in a fun and challenging environment. Apply in person.
  • Cancer Your cool demeanor sometimes leaves others wondering what you're really feeling. Consider using "emoticons."
  • Leo Last week was a wreck, but don't fret: Someone will come along to cut you out before the flames reach the gas tank.
  • Virgo Air and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week. If conditions are favorable, it could very well rain.
  • Libra You begin to show signs of a natural talent for soccer, which is too bad, because soccer is for pussy-assed faggots.
  • Scorpio You will cross many sociopolitical boundaries when your school bake sale yields enough money to buy a B-1B medium-range bomber.
  • Sagittarius You realize your lover doesn't know just how beautiful he really is on the inside. Get a scissors and show him.
  • Capricorn Trouble looms at work when the other pimps suspect you're trying to muscle in on their whores. Use hand puppets to communicate your feelings about it.
  • Aquarius You're in for a breakthrough when you realize that the "voices in your head" are actually coming from that curved piece of plastic with the number buttons and the cord.
  • Pisces You will become one with the Universe next week, incurring the wrath of all the Universe's old boyfriends.