Aries For years, you've been a fixture in your community, but next week they're tearing you down to build a shopping mall.
Taurus The stars have somehow managed to predict love for Taurus without moving, blinking or spelling out anything.
Gemini Gemini is now taking applications for part-time waitstaff positions. Must enjoy working with others in a fun and challenging environment. Apply in person.
Cancer Your cool demeanor sometimes leaves others wondering what you're really feeling. Consider using "emoticons."
Leo Last week was a wreck, but don't fret: Someone will come along to cut you out before the flames reach the gas tank.
Virgo Air and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week. If conditions are favorable, it could very well rain.
Libra You begin to show signs of a natural talent for soccer, which is too bad, because soccer is for pussy-assed faggots.
Scorpio You will cross many sociopolitical boundaries when your school bake sale yields enough money to buy a B-1B medium-range bomber.
Sagittarius You realize your lover doesn't know just how beautiful he really is on the inside. Get a scissors and show him.
Capricorn Trouble looms at work when the other pimps suspect you're trying to muscle in on their whores. Use hand puppets to communicate your feelings about it.
Aquarius You're in for a breakthrough when you realize that the "voices in your head" are actually coming from that curved piece of plastic with the number buttons and the cord.
Pisces You will become one with the Universe next week, incurring the wrath of all the Universe's old boyfriends.
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