Horoscope for the week of September 8, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•36 Sep 8, 2004
  • Aries Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.
  • Taurus It's going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you'll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.
  • Gemini No one's ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.
  • Cancer You'll help realize Western civilization's oldest dream, but it's only the one about getting to school late on exam day.
  • Leo An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.
  • Virgo You're working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.
  • Libra Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.
  • Scorpio Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
  • Sagittarius Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second! That's no moon!
  • Capricorn It's difficult to be compassionate and loving in today's increasingly cruel world. The term "diminishing returns" comes to mind.
  • Aquarius You'll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.
  • Pisces All the stars in your sign have an important message of hope, but you may not get it before the sudden explosion in your galactic spiral arm Wednesday.