Aries Your beloved Sparky will shock you by traveling 1,000 miles back to you. But then again, loyalty is the reason you married him in the first place.
Taurus It's going to be a busy, nerve-wracking week, but by the end, you'll be elevated to Imperator For Life Of The Greater Taurus Economic Co-Prosperity Sphere.
Gemini No one's ever called you a rich, sexy genius, but that was before National Say Hurtfully Untrue Things Day.
Cancer You'll help realize Western civilization's oldest dream, but it's only the one about getting to school late on exam day.
Leo An unlikely coincidence involving the spontaneous combustion of your trousers and their subsequent suspension from communications cables will not be enough to teach you to tell the truth.
Virgo You're working hard on your list of songs you want played at your funeral, but the flawed premise of the project is that it assumes the presence of attendees.
Libra Your reading group insists that the Iowa School is more concerned with list-making than with producing good fiction, but frankly, you just wanted to talk about hobbits.
Scorpio Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
Sagittarius Romance and a felicitous atmosphere for new projects are foretold by the moon passing through your sign this week, as well as—wait a second! That's no moon!
Capricorn It's difficult to be compassionate and loving in today's increasingly cruel world. The term "diminishing returns" comes to mind.
Aquarius You'll be repeatedly cited as a living refutation of the Great Man theory of history.
Pisces All the stars in your sign have an important message of hope, but you may not get it before the sudden explosion in your galactic spiral arm Wednesday.
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