Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 34•06 Sep 9, 1998
  • Aries You will be dismantled and sold for scrap when the Pentagon declares the Aries Project a total failure.
  • Taurus The presence of Saturn and Mars in your sign indicates that some planets apparently don't care who they associate with.
  • Gemini Due to low ratings, Gemini will be canceled and replaced with Mannix.
  • Cancer Excitement looms large in Cancer this week. Unfortunately, your idea of excitement centers around mildly spicy cheese sauces.
  • Leo You will forever alienate your friends in the mountain-man community when you can longer hide your disdain for coonskin caps.
  • Virgo Your decision to switch to a vegetarian diet solves all your health problems, proving that cannibalism isn't for pussies like you.
  • Libra This week will find you coming to in an Omaha rest area, disoriented, hung over and unable to remember how you came to be wearing the Phillie Phanatic's blood-soaked costume.
  • Scorpio Scorpios have long been regarded as a nuisance, but that will change when furriers discover your thick, luxurious pelts.
  • Sagittarius You will lose the legal battle of your life next week, when you are unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you don't have to take this crap.
  • Capricorn Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party.
  • Aquarius Scientists will develop a new type of ruler that will enable people to more accurately beat you to within an inch of your life.
  • Pisces God will appear to you in a dream and admit that you weren’t exactly what he had in mind.