Aries You will be dismantled and sold for scrap when the Pentagon declares the Aries Project a total failure.
Taurus The presence of Saturn and Mars in your sign indicates that some planets apparently don't care who they associate with.
Gemini Due to low ratings, Gemini will be canceled and replaced with Mannix.
Cancer Excitement looms large in Cancer this week. Unfortunately, your idea of excitement centers around mildly spicy cheese sauces.
Leo You will forever alienate your friends in the mountain-man community when you can longer hide your disdain for coonskin caps.
Virgo Your decision to switch to a vegetarian diet solves all your health problems, proving that cannibalism isn't for pussies like you.
Libra This week will find you coming to in an Omaha rest area, disoriented, hung over and unable to remember how you came to be wearing the Phillie Phanatic's blood-soaked costume.
Scorpio Scorpios have long been regarded as a nuisance, but that will change when furriers discover your thick, luxurious pelts.
Sagittarius You will lose the legal battle of your life next week, when you are unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you don't have to take this crap.
Capricorn Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party.
Aquarius Scientists will develop a new type of ruler that will enable people to more accurately beat you to within an inch of your life.
Pisces God will appear to you in a dream and admit that you weren’t exactly what he had in mind.
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