Horoscope

11.02.05 | ISSUE 41•44

  • Aries Next time, you will know better than to attend the International Maim All The Aries Festival just because some band you really like is playing the main stage.
  • Taurus Toddlers will persistently try to befriend you this week, utterly failing to comprehend that you suffer from an acute case of skeletal dysplasias.
  • Gemini A bum will mistake your abstract lower-back tattoo for a scratch-off lottery ticket and gouge you to the spine, but on the bright side, he'll win 50 bucks.
  • Cancer Yes, there is a saying that we always hurt the ones we love, but it doesn't mention anything about using a radial arm saw.
  • Leo You'll be blessed with the arrival of a brand-new little life this week, although you will be rather disturbed by the way it crawls out of the toilet and begins caterwauling.
  • Virgo You'll have a hard time convincing the Treasury Department that you weren't attempting to counterfeit $20 bills, but simply trying to suggest some very minor changes.
  • Libra Patrons in the Louvre Museum will get an unexpected laugh this week when a runaway Citroen decapitates you, launching your severed head three blocks to land perfectly on to the top of the Venus de Milo.
  • Scorpio You'll lose the use of your left arm this week when your city uses rather draconian eminent-domain laws to commandeer it for garbage-hauling and tree-removal duties.
  • Sagittarius Although the mystical Rainbow Serpent isn't happy about sharing his symbology with the gay-rights movement, you should still be very, very careful about making fun of his lesbian sister Jen.
  • Capricorn Theater owners will probably look the other way if you want to sneak candy, soda, and snacks into the movies, but if you really want to carry the stuff in your colon, no one can stop you.
  • Aquarius The stars indicate that you will receive 15 percent off your next Denny's breakfast if you mention this special celestial message.
  • Pisces Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm A Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • May 22, 2012

      Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...

    • May 15, 2012

      Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...

    • May 8, 2012

      Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...

    • May 1, 2012

      Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...

    • April 24, 2012

      Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...

    • April 17, 2012

      Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...

    • March 27, 2012

      Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...

    • March 20, 2012

      Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...

    • March 13, 2012

      Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...

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