CHICAGO—According to recently engaged and utterly smug shitheads Ross Bird and Jessica Black, the couple wants their upcoming nuptials to be not just a wedding, but also a true reflection of who they are as human beings.
“We want to throw out all the wedding conventions that don’t scream ‘Jess and Ross,’” the utterly contemptible Black said Thursday, adding that the couple’s “uniqueness” will be mirrored in every aspect of the ceremony. “From the drinks served in mason jars, to the sparklers we’re handing out to everyone when it gets dark, this is going to be a wedding only we could have.”
“We want it to be a celebration of our love,” the unbearable woman continued. “But we also want it to be fun and quirky, just like us!”
The couple told reporters the insufferably precious ceremony will include readings from Walt Whitman’s Leaves Of Grass, a 10-minute silent meditation on each wedding guest’s own conception of love, and a forcibly lighthearted accordion wedding march expected to last for nearly 20 minutes.
And, as if an Instagram photo booth were an insufficient demonstration of the pair’s inveterate awfulness, the couple reportedly plans a build-your-own Vietnamese sandwich bar and a “summer-lovin’ casual” dress code.
“Jess and I both want the ceremony to feel more like a crazy, fun dance party with our friends than a stuffy wedding,” said Bird, apparently unaware of just how colossally irritating he comes off while he is speaking. “And we’re hiring an authentic Appalachian mountain music band for the reception, because I love Appalachian music, but get this: They’re going to play ’80s pop songs.”
“How awesome is that?” Bird actually had the nerve to ask. “It’s just so us, you know?”
In place of a standard officiant, the thoroughly execrable couple has asked friend Sean Lauden to register as a justice of the peace and perform the ceremony. Lauden, 33, a carpenter and amateur musician, will reportedly initiate the proceedings with an a cappella rendition of the Etta James song “At Last.”
The bride, a Vassar College graduate, has suggested the “patriarchy implicit in many marriage customs” will be omitted from the occasion, including the “subtext of property transference” in the custom of the bride’s father walking his daughter down the aisle. Furthermore, instead of trading wedding rings, the pair said they will wear bracelets hewn from teak driftwood the couple collected on a trip to Cambodia in 2009.
Attendees will reportedly be expected to ride bicycles to the wedding venue in honor of the groom’s “lifelong love affair with cycling,” and all guests will receive a hand-decorated card indicating how much their carbon footprint has been reduced by doing so.
Sources later confirmed that if any couple deserves to die tragically before their wedding day, it’s this one.
“The invitation includes instructions for folding it into a paper airplane, to represent Ross and Jessica’s love of travel or something,” said groomsman Dylan Emerson, noting the whimsical “Please fly me into the recycling bin when done!” message on the back. “And the save-the-date was a personalized YouTube video with Ross and Jessica both wearing fake mustaches.”
“I mean, Jesus Christ,” Emerson added.
According to repulsed sources, the couple’s shelter-rescued dog Mao Ze-Dog will carry the bracelets down the aisle. This will then reportedly trigger a flash-mob-style dance routine among the reluctant wedding party, culminating in a group sing-along to the 2007 Andrew Bird song “Imitosis.”
Invitees said they eagerly anticipate the bride and groom’s bitter divorce, which will much more authentically capture the couple's shitty personalities.