How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing
As performance-enhancing drugs become increasingly sophisticated, so do the methods for detecting their use. Onion Sports explains some of the techniques top athletes employ to beat steroid tests:
Using masking tape and magic marker to change label on bottle of drugs from "steroids" to "headache medicine"
Becoming a professional wrestler, as no one seems to care what drugs they use
Boasting that their elevated testosterone levels are due to having stupendously large testicles; offering to show everyone if they don't believe it; letting embarrassment do the rest
Drinking 25 gallons of water the day before urine test, knowing full well that no lab could possibly test that much urine
Claiming to be stuck in the suit of armor
Knocking out test administrator; stealing their blood
Flexing enormous biceps, causing tester's syringe to take in blood so fast it explodes
Avoiding drug tests by caller testers "narcs"; testers then back off, as no one likes being called a "narc"
Using performance-enhancing drugs to become huge stars in their sports in the sure knowledge that the powers that be would never allow them to test positive for steroids
Recent Sportsgraphic
More Sportsgraphic
Recent News »
-
Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene
-
Jerry Sandusky: I’ll Never Forget All The Things Joe Paterno Did For Me
-
NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’
-
Unpopular BCS Crowns Alabama National Champions, Endorses Rick Santorum, Spits On World War II Veteran, Pushes Elderly Woman Down Flight Of Stairs, Wishes Osama Bin Laden Were Still Alive
-
NFL Coaches Admit It Sucks When You Have To Punt
-
New Commercial To Feature John McEnroe Saying 'You Cannot Be Serious'
-
Allen Iverson: 'You Hear That, Everybody? We're Coming Back! All Of Us!'
-
NHL's Critics Find No Evidence That Penalty Box Reforms Players
Facebook