How Big Ben Spent His Suspension

Ben Roethlisberger is returning to football after an NFL-imposed four-game ban. Here's how he spent his time off:

• Court-ordered "wistful staring" three times a day
• Visited the Sunrise Retirement Center, where he put in some charity work and occasionally fingered one of the nurses
• Learned to throw left-handed
• Worked with NFL-appointed sensitivity coach Judith Barnes; Roethlisberger practiced, for only an hour at first, and eventually for four hours, not raping her
• Finally had time to read À la recherche du temps perdu
• Every Friday, headed down to Dime Bar, the only place in town where he can expose himself and get kicked out in peace
• Stopped by the farmers market every morning to laugh at the gourds
• Pretty much slept, really