Just weeks after the disclosure that his top staffers closed lanes on the George Washington Bridge to punish the mayor of Fort Lee, NJ, Governor Chris Christie is now dealing with allegations that he threatened to deny Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken, NJ unless the city’s mayor agreed to go along with a development project. Here is how the embattled politician can weather these crises and reemerge as a viable Republican presidential candidate in 2016:

  • Compensate for all of the traffic he blocked by getting rid of stop signs for a while
  • Try to adhere to the values he held before becoming a politician, back when he was just an innocent young lobbyist for major energy companies and financial firms
  • Make sure he includes at least a dozen children behind him in every speech given over the next few weeks
  • Buy his second family a new house to keep them quiet and happy
  • Help bolster his everyman appearance by funneling millions of dollars through Super PACs to produce nationwide ad campaigns that make him look better
  • Tuck the head into the body and shield the internal organs by curling into tight ball
  • Trust that fellow elected officials understand his lack of culpability in the matter and that no self-respecting presidential candidate would dare mention the scandal in the 2016 election
  • Receive eternal political redemption by slaughtering the first born on the third full moon of the year deep in the New Jersey Pine Barrens
  • Accidentally spill a big cup of coffee on every copy of every newspaper with stories about his scandal
  • Hold large, elaborate public event in which Christie lies hidden under a pile of ashes and then jumps out with large wings attached while shouting, “Out of the ashes rises the Phoenix!”
  • Stick to his guns and call out the mayor of Fort Lee for the rat bastard he is