With the 2014 Winter Olympics just days away from opening in the resort city of Sochi, Russian officials are making their final arrangements for hosting and securing the global sporting event. Here are the preparations and precautions that Russia has taken ahead of the games:

  • Airlifting the 1980 Moscow Olympics stadium, bleachers, and concession stands to Sochi
  • Lining up the empty cans and bottles that Russian soldiers will fire guns at as part of the opening ceremony
  • Discarding games’ original slogan, “Potentially the Most Terrifying Olympics of All Time”
  • Adding matte gray ring with dozens of protruding blades to Olympic logo to represent Russia
  • Warning the athletes that Vladimir Putin can and will jump into any of the competitions at any moment
  • Placing tarp over Sochi’s 18-foot-tall bronze statue of Judy Garland
  • Preparing to detonate four explosions during the opening ceremony, just to make any additional ones feel like part of the plan
  • Putting finishing touches on Olympic Village so that it may support itself in the long term, complete with a butcher shop, milliner, and schoolhouse
  • Eradicating the global terrorist threat