In the wake of the Edward Snowden whistleblowing scandal, pressure has mounted from citizens at large as well as politicians on both sides of the aisle to curb the National Security Agency’s domestic espionage powers. Here’s a look at how the NSA collects your personal data:

  • Step 1: NSA goes to Gmail, guesses “puppy64” as the password for all usernames, and successfully gains access to over 5 million email accounts
  • Step 2: Hits Ctrl+F, types “illegal activity”
  • Step 3: For anyone who doesn’t have a computer, NSA agents bring one right over to your home for you to use
  • Step 4: Automated bots install a tracking program on your internet browser, which logs your incredibly pathetic cycle of only ever visiting the same five sad little websites
  • Step 5: Randomly texts “what’s up?” to citizens and keeps detailed records of everyone’s responses
  • Step 6: Four thousand NSA workers silently tell themselves what they’re doing is okay
  • Step 7: You know how your password turns into dots after you type it? Well, the NSA figured out how to read dots
  • Step 8: NSA agent comes to your house and beats the piss out of you until you give him the information he wants
  • Step 9: America saved