The Transportation Security Administration has released a new report with recommendations for improving security at airports around the nation. Here are the TSA’s planned upgrades:

  • Agents will earn passengers’ trust by performing random screenings and pat downs on themselves throughout the day
  • Security checkpoint agents must now make scribbles on tickets horizontally instead of vertically
  • Gun-carrying privileges restricted to Platinum Club members or higher
  • All Auntie Anne’s employees will be instructed to keep their eyes peeled for anything weird
  • Prior to takeoff, the captain will more effectively prepare passengers for any potential emergency situations by listing off his greatest weaknesses as a pilot
  • As part of a more comprehensive training program, agents will be required to attend daily lectures on global geopolitical history in order to better understand the root causes of terrorism
  • Passengers who claim to have lost their ticket and ID will no longer be allowed to board certain flights
  • Anyone aged 14 to 78 prohibited from flying