Have I got a deal for you!

I understand you and your husband are going through some tough times in the family-planning department. And while I can't do anything about your husband's sterility, I can do something about the price you're paying for sperm.

What are you paying now? Five, six hundred bucks a payload? I can get you grade-A stuff for half that.

I've been in the sperm-supply game since 1987, and in that time, I've learned countless ways to cut costs while adding value. When you buy from me, you know you're getting the absolute best semen money can buy. What's more, I'll beat any competitor's price.

Okay, let's talk turkey. Now, normally, I charge $450 for a two-ounce batch, but you seem like a nice lady, so I'm gonna cut you a deal: $400.

How can I sell sperm so cheap, you ask? That's simple: I cut out the middleman. Most sperm specimens pass through at least a dozen hands before ever reaching the shelves of the sperm bank, and every one of those people takes a cut. That adds up. I used to work for one of those national banks. I saw customers being overcharged every day, and frankly, it broke my heart. With 16 years experience as an independent sperm supplier, I now do all the work myself—and pass the savings along to you.

Tell you what. Because I like you, I'm going knock another $50 off that price. Just for you. It's unheard of in this business to pay only $350, but if you buy today, that's all it's gonna cost you.

And if you buy today, I'll deliver today. Other places take weeks or months to process your request. Not me. If it takes me more than 10 minutes to deliver fresh, hot product, it's free. That's a promise from me to you.

You don't want to buy sperm from some big, impersonal bank with outlets all over the country, do you? You want the personal touch. You want it from a person—a real, live flesh-and-blood human being. If you can't look your donor in the eye, can you really trust his sperm?

When you buy my sperm, you know exactly what you're getting—the magical little potion necessary to make another extraordinary human being just like me. As you can see, I'm tall and reasonably attractive. I have a college degree, and I'm a real entrepreneur, full of ambition and spunk. Catch that? Spunk?

So, what do you say? Do we have a deal here? Let me tell you, I'm probably going to lose money on this transaction, but that's okay by me. That's how much I want to make this deal happen. How about $300?

Not only do I personally hand-deliver each sperm sample directly to your door for no extra fee, but I'll happily bring it to its final destination. That's right, if you're looking to save money and eliminate hassle, leave the fertilization to me. I'm happy to deliver the sperm directly to your uterus, free of charge.

Just for a simple fertilization job, a doctor would charge you thousands of dollars. You're paying a fortune for a baster, a cup, and a few precious moments of some M.D.'s time. What's more, you're letting some guy you don't even know insert semen into your vagina. From me? Free, and we're already friends.

Still not sold? I can't go any lower on the price, but I can double your quantity for no extra charge. Yep, you heard me—no charge. I'll personally deliver a second batch of sperm to your uterus, absolutely free. And my product is 100 percent guaranteed, so if you are dissatisfied for any reason, I'll be more than happy to replace it with another of equal or lesser value. In fact, I'll even give you my home phone number so you can call me any time, night or day, for a refill. You won't get customer service like that from any of the big sperm banks.

Okay, you've got my back against the wall here. I'll go $250. Final offer, take it or leave it.