Ah, the movies. Nothing is better than to go see the movies in the theater at the Bijou and buy a tasty popcorn treat and a soda water and a box of watercress sandwiches and a tin of chewing tobacco and all the candy you can eat for a nickel. Gone are the days when a man could relax and enjoy a lovely pig roast while taking in the latest feature at the Bijou movie theater where they show the movie pictures that you can see if you pay money to see them.

Oh, but enough of my yapping. This week I asked my editor if I could go see Art Clooney's new movie, The Peace Man, and he said to go home and call him again next month, but I said that I didn't get to review no movies last month for the newspaper readers and he said, okay, just shut up and leave him the hell alone.

Well, I went to the theater and asked to buy a ticket to see The Peace Man movie and the girl said that they had no tickets because they had sold out of tickets to Peace Man. And I thought to myself that Peace Man must be a very good movie if people all want to see it. So then the ticket girl told me that I could buy a ticket to go see the movie called the Up & Down movie about the man who likes the other men. I said that would be okay since one movie is better than no movie.

Before I went to the theater to see the Ups & Downs movie, I had to go to the toilet because my wife Toots had made ham for lunch and sometimes ham doesn't agree with me. I sat down on the commode and did my business, but then I couldn't get out of the toilet stall. I banged and banged on the door to the toilet stall but I couldn't get it open, and no one heard me hollering because everyone went to the movies and didn't go to the toilet first.

Well, I sat in the stall for a long time waiting for someone to come in, but no one came until The Peace Man movie got out and these kids came into the bathroom. I said to the kids to let me out but instead they laughed at me and threw their soda water cups over the stall at me and left without telling the manager man that I was still in the toilet stall. These kids today do not know how to show proper respect for their elders.

Anyway, the ticket girl finally heard me hollering from in the toilet stall and got the manager to get me out. I was so glad to be out of the toilet stall that I forgot to go see the Upstairs Downstairs movie.

Well, until next time, I'll see you on the Silver Screen.