If Al-Qaeda Had A Hockey Team, We'd Kick Its Ass!Commentary • Sports • Opinion • terror • hockey • ISSUE 40•08 • Feb 25, 2004 By Patrick K. Johnson Patrick K. Johnson All right, so al-Qaeda is still giving us a little bit of trouble. We haven't found bin Laden yet, and I guess there're still these little cells of them all over the place. But we shouldn't let that crush our spirit, because we'll get 'em. America always wins at the end, in wars or in anything else. I don't know what's taking so long over there, but I do know this: If al-Qaeda had a hockey team, we'd totally kick its ass. Can you imagine? It'd be so sweet. We'd have the advantage before the puck even dropped. First of all, they'd be from the Middle East, which is no hockey powerhouse. I'll bet their ice always melts down before the game's even over. Plus, their rink would probably be all bombed out. Or it'd be in a tent or something. And you know al-Qaeda's hockey uniforms would be totally ugly, with stupid colors and all kinds of Allah shit all over them. The jerseys would have those big long Ramalama bin Dingdong names on the back, and those Arabic numbers they use over there. But America's team... Well, players from everywhere would be jumping to sign on, man! We'd have no problem assembling a kick-ass international coalition to play the al-Qaeda if we wanted, but America would have to be firm and say, "Sorry friends, this game's ours." So, who would we get to go head-to-head with those terrorist fuckers? Only our most bad-assed pros! Now, I know some people would want to go all Lake Placid and use amateurs, but, hey, did al-Qaeda use amateur terrorists on the World Trade Center? Hell, no. So we'd get pros like Brett Hull, the best American scorer ever, and skills guys like Mike Modano. We'd add in some hard guys who don't mind going into the corners or dropping the gloves if the sticks come upI'm thinking, like, Jeremy Roenick on this one. And the capper? Flourtown's own Mike Richter comes out of retirement to play goal, baby! And if they get in the crease, Rafalski takes 'em out. Face it: On paper, al-Qaeda's boned. But then they'd get to the game, right? And it'd be awesome! Because they'd have to have it in Madison Square Garden, on account of who the shit wants to go to Afghanistan? President Bush'd be there to fire up our skaters by looking right at the al-Qaeda bench and repeating his warning to all terrorists: "Bring it on!" The crowd would go nuts! Everyone would be going so crazy, they'd hardly hear Ted Nugent sing the national anthem! The camera would cut to the al-Qaeda bench, and they'd all be sitting in their towel helmets thinking, "Oh, shit, what the fuck did we get ourselves into?" Now, I'm not saying it'd be total cake. Everyone knows those guys are crafty little fuckers who don't play fair. They'd probably try to overload one side or the other, then suicide-crash the net to try to sneak the puck in. They might even go a goal up on us late in the first period, because you know Team USA would come out of the gate all fired up, and that level of emotion can get you in turnover trouble. So let's be realistic herethe first period might be closer than a lot of people would like. But that'd just give those bastards a false sense of security, because 20 minutes against our seasoned pros would be enough to rag their legs out big time. So the second-period horn goes, and here's my prediction: four goals in the first 10 minutes, baby, if not five! Bet your ass there's a hattie for my man Brett Hull. So of course al-Qaeda starts getting chippy and the sticks come up, but that plays right into our hands. We'll be going, "Okay, al-Qaeda, you wanna get aggressive? You like that? Jump in, buds!" And then the whistles start going, because you don't think al-Qaeda gets the officials on their side in Madison Square Garden, do you? Fuck nah. So, of course, then we'd get the power play. And face it, at that point, the game's pretty much over for them. They have to ask the crowd to stop chanting "USA! USA! USA!" But guess what, man? We ain't gonna stop! So al-Qaeda pulls their goalie, and while they're trying for the extra-man goal in garbage time to save face, they fail to notice one important detail: the Navy SEALs coming down from the ceilings and walls to capture everyone on the al-Qaeda bench. 'Cause there's no way we're letting those half-assed-hockey-playing terrorist bastards just waltz out the door. And that's how the greatest hockey game in history would end. Man, those guys better hope we never catch them on skates.