Yes, readers, you have read the above headline correctly. This is no hoax. For too long, The Onion has been cruelly deprived of the Pulitzer Prize it so richly deserves, and now the thought of such an injustice being committed yet again fills me with a deep and insatiable thirst for violence. Which is why if The Onion is not awarded a Pulitzer Prize within the next calendar year, so help me God, I WILL SAVAGELY MURDER 50 INNOCENT SOULS, and the Pulitzer Board’s hands shall be soaked in blood instead of jammed down Arthur Sulzberger, Jr.’s underpants the way they usually are.
You think I’m bluffing? Ha! Try me, Pulitzer Board. Try me and see what carnage shall come of your pride and pigheadedness.
Here are the demands I’m making of the glad-handing swine who award the Pulitzers every year:
- 1. Review all of the country’s journalistic content for the year, not just the obvious slop from the Los Angeles Times that you’re always gobbling up like fucking candy for some reason.
- 2. Give special consideration and attention to the fine and unerringly perceptive work of The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, which has always and will always be the greatest news periodical in the history of human civilization. If you need some motivation while making your decision, try imagining the faces of 50 dead people before casting your votes.
- 3. Award The Onion at least one Pulitzer Prize, preferably in the category of National, International, or Investigative Reporting, although one of the smaller ones like Feature Writing or even Editorial Cartooning would probably suffice. Or what about one of those Special Awards and Citations? That might be kind of cool.
Should the Pulitzer Board fail to meet these demands, I will have no choice but to unleash a torrent of bloody retribution that will shake this country to its very core. I shall slaughter young couples. Children. The elderly. Perhaps even precious Pulitzer favorite Nicholas Kristof, that smug prick. Jesus Christ, a couple of frilly words and a round-trip ticket to Sudan and suddenly they’re treating that guy like he’s H.L. fucking Mencken. Give me a break. You think Onion reporters don’t write better first drafts in their sleep than that witless putz?
Also, real quick before I move on, let me make it perfectly clear that I am not actually affiliated with The Onion newspaper in any way, shape, or form. This Op-Ed is only being published because I threatened to kill hundreds of The Onion’s readers if they didn’t print it—and, of course, they did, because they care so much about their readership. So please do not think that my words here represent the beliefs of The Onion or Zweibel Worldwide in any legal or contractual sense. I am speaking independently of my own accord as a madman. A madman who believes, quite justifiably, that The Onion should be officially recognized as an institution of journalistic excellence nonpareil. Just wanted to clear that up.
Members of the Pulitzer Board: Think of the lives that will be spared if you simply do what’s right and honor The Onion. I am talking to you, Nicholas Lemann, Kathleen Carroll, and Eugene Robinson. And to you as well, Lee Bollinger, Ann Marie Lipinski, and Joyce Dehli. Just know that the day the Pulitzer Prize winners are announced, I will have my rifle trained on an innocent civilian’s head 300 yards away, ready to pull the trigger should the results meet with my displeasure.
And to the police, who are surely reading this Op-Ed: Don’t bother trying to catch me. I’m too smart. Years of reading The Onion’s brilliantly informative and insightful reportage have made certain of that.
So choose wisely, Pulitzer Board. Until then, everybody please continue getting America’s best up-to-the-minute news coverage from The Onion, available in print or online at TheOnion.com. That is all.