There are a lot of ladies out there, but if you want to keep a good one, you have to know how to make her feel appreciated. A lady wants a man who acts strong and confident. That way, she knows she's with someone who's strong and confident. Then again, ladies probably don't like men who are cocky. So I guess you should be sensitive, too. Maybe being polite is the most important thing. Or maybe it's good to know how to dance, or how to wow her in the bedroom. I don't know. I guess, when it comes down to it, I'm not sure I know how to treat a lady.

I think my behavior might be in the general ballpark, though. On a first dinner date, it's probably important to pick the right restaurant. The dining atmosphere should be fancy, but casual. Never under any circumstances should you take a lady to a chain restaurant. That is, unless she asks to go to a chain restaurant. When you and your date are seated, if the hostess doesn't push in her seat, then I guess you should do it yourself. I'm almost positive that most ladies will enjoy this and see it as a sign of affection. Of course, not all ladies will like it. Some will think you're acting unnatural. You should always try to act natural. Actually, to be safe, you might want to just refrain from touching the chair altogether. See how hard it is to know how to treat a lady right?

In my experience, saying the right thing can really impress a lady, but blurting out the wrong thing can lead to a very early night. Ladies like compliments, but lay on too many and you'll seem insincere. I suppose you have to use trial-and-error to find out what a lady wants to hear. If she's wearing her hair up, she might want you to say something nice about her earrings. Now, I'm not positive about that. Maybe it's just a hot day, she's pinned her hair up so her neck won't sweat, and she'd rather you not notice it. Whatever you do, though, don't say anything to her about those weird little hairs in her ears. That's something no lady wants to hear. Not mentioning the weird hairs in her ears—that's one way to treat a lady right that I'm fairly sure about.

If a man doesn't impress a lady, she'll find a different guy who does. I've heard that one of the ways you can please a lady is by dressing well. This way, you show her that you have taste and that you took the time to get dressed up to see her, because she's important to you. Buy the right fabric softener, and you can please her sense of smell, too. Actually, this might be better covered under the topic of cologne, which is also important to the ladies. Anyway, for now, put simply: Looking your best will impress a lady. But you shouldn't dress too nice, or she might think you're conceited or gay. Be clean, but stay rugged. I mean, I guess.

Make sure your compliments are original. You shouldn't say things you heard on television, because she might've seen the same program. Instead, notice things about her that other guys wouldn't, like her hands or her knees. This could be tricky, since she might think you're getting too personal. She could have a complex about her knees and shut down for the whole evening. Then it's no goodnight kiss for you—not that you should assume you're going to get one, even if the date goes well. I guess what I'm saying is that you should use your discretion on this one.

There's a whole bunch of other stuff every guy should know about treating a lady right once it's established that you like her and she likes you. But really, that's all pretty complicated. I'm not sure that I can go into it here without diagrams. The important thing to do is to be romantic. Sure, there are some that will threaten to kick your ass if you so much as light a vanilla candle, but they're pretty easy to weed out due to their tattoos and such.

If I were you, I'd take the stuff I said above and see if it works, then add your own personal touches. Treating a lady right should be doable, as long as you keep your eye on the lady. I mean, don't stare, but keep aware of how she's reacting. Unless she's one of those ladies who secretly likes to be ignored, which probably sums up a lot of them.

I don't know. Maybe you should just ignore everything I said. Pretend I never wrote this column, okay? I mean, unless you liked it, in which case... hey, thanks.