Dear Sir Or Madam,
Is it true that if I turn my parents in for treason the government will let me stay up to watch The Little Couple?

— Cory, Clearmont, WY

Dear The Onion,
I'm having trouble telling when to flip an omelet, and whether or not my girlfriend has had an orgasm during sex. I would appreciate any advice you could offer on either front.

— Curt Bentzel, York, PA

Dear The Onion,
Just wanted to let you know that most of the deer heads in my trophy room are stuffed with your fine newspaper.

— Eldridge Calhoun, Greensboro, NC

Dear The Onion,
I've been seeing this girl for about six months and the relationship seems too good to be true. Should I stab my girlfriend just to reassure myself and give both of us a little wake-up call about how life can be? Sincerely,

— Jared Price, Frederick, MD

Dear Newspaper,
Seniors still have sex! There, I said it. And you know who still reads newspapers? Old people. Particularly old people who like to screw. Enclosed are samples of my weekly column "Old People Are Screwing." I highly recommend you syndicate this column to bolster and/or retain readership.

— Hector Warren

Dear The Onion,
You may think Ziggy in Spanish pleases those of Latin blood, but what of those whose mother tongue is in fact the robust Catalan dialect? Shame upon those who think we Iberians are all cut from the same drap!

— Joaquim Assumpció de Jesus Pujols i Cabrera, Gerona, Spain

Dear The Onion,
If you could spare a meal, I'd surely appreciate the bounty of your table. I aim to do some work 'round here to make things right. Thank you kindly.

— C. Meldrum, Manhattan, NY

Dear The Onion,
I recently found out about a great new food I’m sure your readers would love to hear about: grapes. Give them a try.

— Joyce Babb, Wayne, NJ