With the 2014 Winter Olympics underway in Sochi, Russia, Onion Sports provides a comprehensive guide to the most exciting international athletes.

  • Javier Fernandez (Figure Skating, Spain): Guaranteed to make your wife call out “Oh, Javier!” during all sexual intercourse over the next two weeks
  • Victor Ahn (Speed Skating, Russia): This hometown favorite will use his in-depth knowledge of his home track to take one of the many hidden shortcuts
  • Anthony Benna (Freestyle Skiing, France): What can be written about Benna that hasn’t already been said?
  • Noriaki Kasai (Ski Jumping, Japan): Like all ski jumpers, Kasai is worth watching just in case he crashes
  • Sidney Crosby (Hockey, Canada): Team Canada’s captain will need to adjust to playing hockey in front of far bigger crowds than he’s normally used to
  • Ivan Panin (Nordic Combined, Russia): Strong Russian boy, 61 kilograms
  • Felix Loch (Luge, Germany): The fastest luger in the world, Loch is a favorite to die during competition in Sochi
  • Barbara Jezeršek (Cross-Country Skiing, Slovenia): As one of the few openly gay Olympians heading to Sochi, Jezeršek can’t wait to get at Russia’s young, vulnerable children
  • Tina Maze (Alpine Skiing, Slovenia): From a very young age, Maze always aspired to be the subject of frantic Google image searches by millions of middle-aged men around the world