Performing well in interviews is one of the most important aspects of a successful job search. Here are some helpful hints for making a solid first impression on a prospective employer:

  • Don't sell yourself short by being too embarrassed to list all your best assets—if you've got a nice cock, you've got a nice cock.
  • When answering interview questions, allude frequently to "secret identity," "important work done outside the office," and "boy sidekick."
  • Wink knowingly throughout the interview.
  • The only way to make a résumé better? Make it bigger! Have it printed on oversize oak tag board.
  • Impress upon the interviewer that you are an aggressive, ambitious self-starter by knocking him unconscious.
  • Arrive at interview bedecked with diamonds and emeralds from head to toe.
  • No matter how "important" the interviewer makes him/herself out to be, refuse to talk to that person, saying you want the "head honcho" only.
  • Before putting on interview suit, douse self liberally with Polo cologne, then drink remaining contents of bottle.
  • Upon sitting down for interview, tell the person, "Go ahead, shut the door, I won't scream rape."
  • Ask the interviewer: "Confidentially, who is your greatest enemy within the company?" Then kill that person to prove your loyalty.
  • Bring radio remote control to interview, and offer to employer—explain that they can use it to control your every deed.