WINDERMERE, FL—A spokesman for the Windermere Police Department told reporters Thursday that investigators have gathered enough weird-ass evidence to officially classify Tiger Woods' recent car accident as pretty fucking strange.
"The only thing we know for sure is that at 2:25 a.m. Friday morning Mr. Woods crashed his Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant and tree at the end of his own driveway," Police Chief Daniel Saylor said during a press briefing. "After that, the account becomes confused. We are unsure if Woods was leaving the driveway or arriving at it, which is rather unusual. At some point Woods' wife, Elin [Nordegren], seems to have struck the car with a golf club, which is pretty bizarre. And she states that she did this to break the rear window and extract Mr. Woods from the vehicle, which, the longer you think about it, is some freaking weird shit."
"All this—along with the fact that when we arrived on the scene the world's No.1 golfer had suffered facial lacerations not necessarily caused by a car accident, had been slipping in and out of consciousness for nearly five minutes, and lay on the ground as his wife stood over his bloody body holding a 7-iron—is really fucked up," Saylor added. "But don't get me wrong: It's also really weird. Really fucking weird. Ultimately, our report will treat these matters as both fucked up and weird-ass."
Saylor said that as the investigation proceeds, and even more odd-as-hell details are uncovered, a super-fucked-up and mega-bizarre picture could emerge, especially if there is evidence to substantiate the rumors that Woods sent salacious text messages to a Los Angeles cocktail waitress.
When asked if there was anything weird or fucked up in Woods' bloodstream at the time of the crash, medical investigator Henry Tolliver stated that the accident was not alcohol related. Tolliver also noted that, while it would have been slightly fucked if Woods had driven while intoxicated, the fact that his blood-alcohol level was within the legal limit adds a whole new layer of what-the-fuck to the ongoing investigation.
"Mr. Woods being drunk would have been the only sensible thing in this case," Tolliver said.
Other crazy-ass pieces of information, including Woods' refusal to speak to the media, his cryptic postcrash statement admitting to "transgressions," and the accusations that the accident stemmed from Woods' alleged extramarital affairs, have been filed by Florida police as "Quite fucking odd," "Kind of creepy," and "It's probably none of our business but it's so goddamn weird that we couldn't ignore it if we tried."
Though he could not confirm or deny recent crazy-as-all-hell reports that Woods shouted "You've ruined our Thanksgiving" before exiting his home, Saylor said that such a thing even being a matter of interest indicates just how completely messed up the mounting evidence is.
"The domestic component alone has forced us to use a TFB unit," said Detective Sidney Goldberg, referring to officers who have been assigned to the Truly Fucking Bizarre portion of the investigation. "They have a very difficult job to do because in a case with as much ridiculous shit as this one, every off-the-wall scenario has to be explored, even the just-sort-of fucked-up ones."
According to Goldberg, the TFB unit will investigate the weird-ass possibility that Nordegren beat her husband and threatened him with a goddamned golf club. It will also explore the batshit insane prospect that an impassioned Nordegren purposefully placed herself in the path of the moving Cadillac, thus forcing Woods to swerve violently out of the way.
"Also, we have to look into recent allegations that Woods left a voice mail requesting that one of his mistresses delete his number from her phone," Goldeberg said. "Just so fucking weird."
Goldberg has assigned the TFB's forensic investigators to do a complete Batshit Bizzarro-Universe Accident Scene Reconstruction, which will take samples of the paint scrapings on Woods' Cadillac, measure the skid marks on the driveway, catalog and number the fucked-up golf-club dents in the car's bodywork, and use powerful computers to reconstruct the strange-ass accident using digital simulations.
"It's possible the computer will show us that a golf club ejected itself from the vehicle during the crash, bounced off the surrounding trees, and struck the outside of Woods' vehicle several times," Goldberg said. "That's no more weird-ass than the other theories people have come up with, especially the ones we saw when we used the computer to check TMZ.com."
Detective Tolliver admitted that he himself was having trouble getting over just how bizarro the whole thing really is.
"In this case you've got Tiger Woods—the man with the most squeaky-clean image in all of sports—possibly participating in romantic dalliances with random women despite the fact that he is already married to one of the most beautiful women in the world. And none of this would have ever surfaced had he not crashed his car Friday morning," Tolliver said. "Come on, that's just plain-ass weird."
"I guess the only thing more outrageous is that this has been a major news item for over a week, and that people feel like they are entitled to know the private details of public figures' lives," Tolliver continued. "No matter which way you shake it, that's fucking nuts."