In his first visit to Israel as president, Barack Obama will meet with the Middle Eastern nation’s top leaders over the next three days in an effort to renew ties with the U.S.’ longstanding ally. Here is his schedule of events:

  • Wednesday, 11:00 a.m.: Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to have a good laugh about the time Netanyahu tried to make Obama lose the election
  • Wednesday, 12:15 p.m.: Photoshoot of Obama sticking his head through wooden board painted to make him look like Hasid
  • Wednesday, 3:15 p.m.: While visiting West Bank, Israeli police to hurry Obama away from latest human rights atrocity
  • Wednesday, 8:00 p.m.: Obama to deliver customary U.S. gifts of long-range ballistic missiles and cluster bombs to Israeli military officials
  • Thursday, 10:30 a.m.: Attend ribbon-cutting ceremony for new Israeli settlement in Gaza
  • Thursday, 12:20 p.m.: Obama to address protesting Palestinians with symbolic nod, shrug
  • Thursday, 1:00 p.m.: Best goddamn falafel of Obama’s life
  • Thursday, 2:00–5:00 p.m.: Take a few hours to just walk around, explore Jerusalem
  • Thursday, 7:00 p.m.: Obama to explain for fifth time why the U.S. can’t just drop a nuclear bomb on Tehran
  • Thursday, 9:40 p.m.: Following luxuriant, sumptuous dinner with Netanyahu, Obama to pick up tab
  • Friday, 11:30 a.m.: Check in with Congress to see how gun control concessions are coming along
  • Friday, 12:00 p.m.: Remember to check out of hotel and return room keys