AKRON, OH—Apologizing to customers for “any discomfort or searing of the flesh” on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past several years. “We announce with great regret that a considerable portion of our inventory, mostly from the Leo Diamond and Neil Lane Bridal lines, became cursed by an ancient evil either within the mine or at some point during the casting process,” company executive Judith Stelling said, responding to widespread reports of agonizing night terrors and chronic infertility among Kay patrons. “If any wearer of Kay products has experienced partial or total blindness, nausea, intense rage upon entering a church, or has suffered a string of unexplained family tragedies, you may return the defective item to any Kay-affiliated retailer to be destroyed by a qualified priest.” Stelling added that anyone who returns a cursed ring would receive full store credit and a complimentary silver pendant from Jane Seymour’s Open Hearts collection.