Much of the U.S. remains in the grips of a record heat wave. Here are some handy tips to help you stay cool and safe in this dangerously hot summer weather:

  • Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.
  • Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.
  • The yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.
  • Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.
  • Stephen King's The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.
  • If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.
  • Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.
  • Strenuous exercise can lead to heat exhaustion. If you must have sex, let the bitch do all the work.
  • Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.
  • Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air-conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.
  • Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers and wig in the freezer when not in use.
  • Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap head in tinfoil.
  • Keep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice-cream treats.
  • If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or "black hole."
  • Avoid "hot" programming like Cinemax After Dark.
  • Lose some weight, you goddamn walrus.