BOSTON—Third baseman Kevin Youkilis reportedly posted a sign-up sheet for a threesome in the Red Sox dugout Monday, encouraging players and coaches to join him for a great opportunity to “get their fuck on.” “Let’s do this, guys. I’m already super hard thinking about all this group boning,” said Youkilis, who pretended to stroke a 4-foot-long erection while urging teammembers to also sign up girlfriends, wives, or even grandmothers, as long as they weren’t squeamish about “backdoor action.” “The combination doesn’t matter as long as there’s an equal number of poles and holes. Dustin, I’m going to put your name up here. You don’t have to join in. You can just jerk it in the corner if you want. We’re all just trying to get off, right?” According to sources, Youkilis warned the team to wear clothes that they didn’t mind getting jizz-stained.