For homeowners, few things are more satisfying than a beautiful lawn and garden. Here are some tips to help you improve yours:

• Experiment with different nitrogen-based fertilizers to find the one with the best greening power and highest blast radius.
• Gang members will often pour malt liquor onto the ground in memory of their dead homies, resulting in soil damage. Shoo gang members away from your front yard.
• To preserve your place in the highly competitive suburban social hierarchy, make sure your lawn is always 1/8 of an inch shorter than your neighbor's.
• Do not plant magic beans within 25 feet of your home. Doing so will place it at risk of severe foundation damage.
• If your lawn doesn't look as green as it could, warn Manuel that you could fire him and hire another one just like him in a second.
• Mowing a pentagram into your lawn not only looks cool; it will also increase your dark powers.
• Gardening experts agree that talking to your plants is a great way to exhale carbon dioxide onto them.
• If you own a riding mower, do you have any idea how stupid you look on it?
• Under no circumstance should you allow a circus to set up in your backyard.
• Don't let "the fellas" see you growing a flower garden like a fairy sissy girl. Build an indoor greenhouse instead.
• Planting vegetables is a great money-saver. Over the course of a summer, you could shave $75 off your grocery bill with just a few hundred hours of work.
• If your family has been suffering a string of lawn-related injuries, consider installing natural grass.
• Gardening may take a lot of hard work and patience, but before you know it, you'll find a vegetable humorously shaped liked human genitals.
• Remember the movie The Lawnmower Man? Me neither.
• Make a faustian bargain with shadowy garden gnomes in which you exchange your soul for some really good gardenias.