Hey, Amy. How's the most beautiful ex-girlfriend in the world doing tonight? Wow, it's been a while, huh? Listen, don't hang up, okay? I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I was thinking the other day that maybe even though we're not dating anymore, we could, you know, um, how do I say this? Let's put the "ex" back in sex.

Before you get all mad, let me clarify. I'm not talking about starting up a relationship again. I just mean, hey, we're both single, and, well, how about you and me take a roll in the sack again, for old time's sake? Because I've got a feeling that tonight is a night for the kind of love that only comes once in a lifetime, and then stops, but then starts up every now and again, on occasion, when one or both people are horny and lonely.

I admit, you haven't heard from me in quite some time. I guess I wasn't returning your phone calls because after all the heartache and emotional trauma of the whole breakup thing, I just needed some space or room to grow. Plus, I was kind of focusing my efforts on trying to score with a bunch of hot new chicks. Unfortunately, that plan didn't exactly work out the way I'd hoped.

Come on, don't be that way. It's exactly that sort of uptight, closed-minded attitude that led to our breakup in the first place.

Don't you want a little of the old ex-boyfriend magic back in your life just once? Or twice? Or even maybe more often than that, depending on how things are going with the new people we may or may not be dating? The kind of magic that only a night of intimacy and romance with somebody you used to be intimate and romantic with, but no longer are, can provide? Let me take you on a trip down memory-of-having-sex-with-me lane.

We both have needs. I don't know about you, but my needs are most definitely not being met these days. So what would be wrong with a little noncommittal, post-relationship action on the side? I mean, in this crazy world, can't an ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend share a moment of tender, physical passion now and again?

Hey, we're both adults here. This is 2003. We're hip, liberated people. There's no need to hold back because of some outdated, prudish notions about what is or isn't appropriate. Why should we be so hung up on the distinction between a "current" and "ex" boyfriend? Life is too short for such technicalities. Do you see what I'm getting at, baby? I mean, ex-baby?

Look, the least you can do is show a little sympathy for someone you once cared deeply about. Would it kill you to show a little tenderness? Am I the only person in this ex-relationship that's ever heard of a mercy fuck?

Perhaps you don't realize just how sincere my intentions are. I really, truly, honestly want to get laid. Deeply. What about all the amazing, though admittedly over, times we shared? Doesn't that count for anything? Do you really feel nothing? You should see me. I'm down on my knees here, begging for a second chance at love for one or two nights a week, at most, at least until one of us starts sleeping with somebody else.

You aren't seeing anybody, are you? Well, sure, I suppose that is none of my business, but I'd like to think that the bond we once shared means you can still confide in me and share your most intimate secrets. Like, for example, whether you're seeing somebody. Are you? Because if you are, that's totally cool with me. I'm capable of handling it in a mature fashion, and I see no reason why your new boyfriend situation should interfere with my attempts to beg you to have sex with me again.

Look in your heart. Somewhere deep down in there, beneath all the pain, resentment, and lingering anger you're still feeling over our breakup, isn't there still some tiny flame of passion flickering for the man you once loved and, more importantly, allowed to have sex with you? Isn't there still some tiny little part of you that wants that kind of passionate commitment? And, by "commitment," I mean "commitment to having sex with each other"? Please, Amy, let me into your life again, or at least into your bed for just one more night.

No? Okay, that's cool, I understand. If you ever change your mind, though, my offer stands.