KANSAS CITY, MO—Bystanders at the Wyandotte Street Cheesecake Factory confirmed that a lone Gunman entered the crowded restaurant at approximately 12:30 p.m. today. “It’s my lunch hour,” said local department store employee Lisa Gunman, making her way through dozens of unsuspecting men, women, and children seated throughout the establishment. “Listen, my friend will be here soon. She’s just running a little late.” As of press time, the sole Gunman had reportedly yet to flee the scene.

This is an update of a previous story: Gunman Kills Zero At Kansas City Area Mall