Tuesday's issue of The Onion mistakenly printed the page number 13 instead of doing the hotel thing and skipping from 12 to 14. The Onion regrets the bad luck it might have caused.
An article yesterday repeatedly referred to Hillary Clinton as “the birthday girl.” This was unprofessional and entirely inaccurate.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.
The headline of Tuesday's article about homegrown terrorism was not as alarmist as it could have been.