WASHINGTON—In a breathtaking chorus heard only once every four years, sources confirmed that the glorious sounds of “goddamn long line” rang out across the country Tuesday, resonating with magnificent consonance from the highest mountain tops to the lowest valleys. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, you gotta be kidding me,” said Boston resident Matt Wilkinson, his voice filling the skies outside his local polling center and echoing millions of other voices that together shimmered in perfect harmony across the mighty Great Plains and through the thronged streets of every gleaming, alabaster city. “This is bullshit.” At press time, the wondrous refrain of “Fuck this, I’m going home” reverberated from the vast Atlantic to the jeweled Pacific in one final carol of sublime and majestic eloquence.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.