LAKE OF FIRE, HELL–Eternally tormented soul Brent Woodson, who is currently being pressed between white-hot slabs of iron, expressed "profound regret" Monday that he had laughed at the Jack Chick anti-homosexuality tract Doom Town, handed to him by a street evangelist moments before he was fatally struck by a bus. "I guess I shouldn't have cracked up at the cartoon drawing of gay guys as burly, hairy bikers with lipstick and pompadours," said Woodson, his charred entrails spilling out onto the rocky floor of the Netherworld while barb-toothed demons gnawed at his extremities. "I'm not laughing now, that's for sure. That Jack Chick guy is no kook."