A shopper laid the buy down on a seven-piece set of Hampton Bay patio furniture at Home Depot's Spring Black Friday event. Sources say the man clearly knew the set was affordable, because he didn't even freaking pause before whaling on it with commerce. "That furniture didn't see it coming," said witness Marnie Wauter. "At first I thought he was going to just buy a chair or table, but then he opened a can of purch-ase and bought the whole damn set." Before leaving the store the man was overheard threatening a Nexgrill 4 Burner Gas Grill that he could take it, too. When asked for comment about the impressive display of shopping skills, the man's cat Richard bitterly remarked, "At least he's good at something."

I hereby approve this commercial endeavor as fit for publication in The Onion news-paper. May the ox of journalism always be yoked to the cart of commerce.

Yours in avarice,

T. Herman Zweibel
Publisher Emeritus, The Onion