BROOKLYN, NY—With a history of tossing and turning, waking himself up with his own snoring, experiencing sleep interruptions every half hour, and general restlessness, Corey White, 31, admitted Monday that he was not even competent enough to lie in a state of suspended consciousness on a nightly basis. "Why is my arm underneath me? Why is my neck always sore in the morning? I have no idea. And this can't be a normal amount of drool," said White, adding that his dentist had threatened to give him a special mouthpiece just so he could stop grinding his teeth in his sleep. "And the snoring? Jesus, I can't even breathe correctly." Unfortunately, no sources could corroborate White's lack of skill at sleeping, as he invariably goes to bed completely and utterly alone.
More News With Video
Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times
Also Healthy, Fulfilled, Successful, and Loved
WASHINGTON—In a new report released Wednesday by the Pew Research center, Americans indicated that when it comes to what they expect from their country ...
Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Economists at Harvard University released a new study this week indicating that Americans who paint themselves silver and pretend to be statues in ...
FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs
WASHINGTON—The FBI is asking any Americans with information about the eating habits, top speed, fighting abilities, or other general-interest knowledge of cheetahs to contact ...



91

