SALISBURY, MARYLAND—After rereading actor Matt Damon’s Wikipedia page for the 13th time since 9 a.m. today, local man Dan Easter decided to look up the celebrity’s home address on Google because, well, he’s admittedly crazy and wants to murder him.
Saying he planned to “just click around” a couple websites to see if the Bourne Identity star’s address was listed anywhere on the Internet, Easter told reporters that, you know, he’s ultimately a mentally ill madman who wants to break into Matt Damon’s house in the dead of night and, you guessed it, kill him in front of his wife and children.
“I figured I would just type Matt Damon’s name into Google because, to make a long story short, I’m psychologically disturbed and I want to assassinate him,” said the 29-year-old man, who, by his own admission, is extremely unstable and has absolutely no business being anywhere other than a mental institution. “I see him in movies and magazines all the time, and it made me wonder where he lives. I’m also clinically insane. That’s why I want to go there and strangle him to death.”
“You know how it is. I’m just one of these fucked-up guys you read about who allows his obsessions to not only overtake him, but to put others in grave danger as well,” he added correctly. “There’s not much more to say, really. I have a psychological disorder that produces an irrepressible urge to kill Matt Damon. That’s why I Googled his address, and that’s why I want to murder him. Simple.”
Easter, a lunatic who is perfectly happy identifying himself as such, said he got the “little psychotic notion” to look up the A-list actor’s address after watching Ocean’s Eleven on television, a film he recorded on his DVR and has watched more than 200 times in the past month.
He said that Damon’s captivating performance in the film, coupled with his own grandiose delusions and complete detachment from reality, gave him the idea to find out where the actor lives and see if his home was easily accessible to someone carrying a knife or gun.
He also told reporters that he wondered what it would be like to kiss Matt Damon on the mouth.
“I was just zooming into Google maps and muttering the words ‘Matt Damon’ to myself over and over—like the deranged individual I am—when I said, ‘Dan, you should drive across the country with your 100 Bagger Vance DVDs and finally just kill the guy,’” said Easter, adding that he would probably wear Damon’s clothes after he killed him because, let’s face it, he’s crazy. “You know how it is. Or, actually, you probably don’t, because you’re not psychotic like me.”
“Here’s the thing: I have a lot of respect for Matt Damon as an actor and a person,” the disturbed man continued. “I actually like him quite a lot, but that’s also why I want to him to die. That’s just how my mind works.”
Easter, who went on to list all of Matt Damon’s career accolades and ways that he wants to kill him, said that his initial interest in locating the actor’s address also made him curious about where Damon’s various co-stars lived—including actors Ben Affleck, Will Smith, and Charlize Theron.
“I’d probably like to murder those people, too,” Easter said. “Anyone affiliated with Matt Damon I want to murder. Maybe I’ll spare Jude Law. Why? I don’t know why. Because when you’re this mentally disturbed, there really is no rhyme or reason to anything.”
The unbalanced man then told reporters that after he killed Matt Damon, he would likely stroke the actor’s hair for 20 minutes, sleep in his bathtub for the night, and, why the hell not, steal his dog—all actions one might expect from someone who is mentally unhinged. Easter said that when authorities arrived at the scene of the crime he would admit to being a sociopath because, well, that’s what he is.
“In brief, yes, I’ve called 9-1-1 multiple times wondering if emergency dispatchers could help me find Matt Damon,” Easter explained. “So I’m probably on some kind of government list, and if I’m not, I really should be. After all, I’m a very sick person with delusional tendencies who wants to find Matt Damon’s house, break inside, and murder him.”
“What can I say? I’m convinced I have to slice Matt Damon’s throat,” he added. “That’s how it is when you’re insane and off your meds.”
At press time, Easter was reportedly flipping through a collection of Matt Damon photos and screaming at the top of his lungs.