CHICAGO—Days before he was set to relocate to Denver for work, four-year Chicago resident Paul Marsden lamented Wednesday that he never really took the time to detest the city he called home for nearly half a decade. “It’s too bad, but I never got to truly despise Chicago’s eight-month-long winters, or how the CTA takes forever and doesn’t go anywhere you need it to,” Marsden told reporters, regretting that he hadn’t devoted any time to hating how nearly every bar in the city has several giant flatscreen TVs blaring Bulls, Bears, Cubs, White Sox, or Blackhawks games. “Sure, I could go on and on about the noxious cloud of piss and stale vomit that hangs over Wrigleyville, or the faux edginess of Wicker Park, but there are so many other horrible neighborhoods I never got the chance to hate. I guess I always thought there’d be time to appreciate how awful they are.” Marsden then resolved that when he gets to Denver, he’ll start hating his new home as soon as he can.