CHARLESTON, SC—Despite bringing in a cool grand—that’s 1,000 U.S. dollars in cash—every month, South Carolina resident and Sports Authority employee Jason Bigsby reportedly whines about minimum wage laws on a near daily basis, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I really don’t see what this guy’s got to complain about when every month he rakes in a thousand big ones; take a $100 bill and times it by 10 and that’s how much money he makes in a month,” said local Todd Mailer, adding that if Bigsby quit whining and took one look at his finances, he would realize he is essentially being handed a briefcase packed with a thousand $1 bills in it every single month. “The guy’s rolling in it. After living expenses, he still has, what, more than 500 bucks to spend on whatever he wants? Video games, fancy dinners, cologne—you name it. Guy could even save up all that cash and net himself $10,000 by year’s end, I shit you not. $10,000!” At press time, sources said Bigsby should just kick back, stop worrying, and enjoy the good life.
More News in Brief
Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible
SAN FRANCISCO—Using such products as pineapple-scented shampoo and raspberry sorbet body wash, 28-year-old Stephanie Holden apparently likes to smell like she wants other people ...
Fans Of Green Screens, Incredibly Fake-Looking Things Express Love For Modern Cinema
NEW YORK—Self-proclaimed fans of artificially sleek movies that at no point appear as though they contain real human beings onscreen in real locations doing ...
Bashar Al-Assad Introduces Syrian Bike-Sharing Program
DAMASCUS—Saying that the initiative will reduce vehicle traffic, improve local air quality, and foster a strong sense of community, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced ...



61
