The Onion would like to apologize for erroneously stating that the Fillmore High School marching band car-wash fundraiser will be held Sunday from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. It will actually be held Saturday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. The Onion recognized the time and date given were incorrect at the time of publication, but you, dear reader, have no idea—no idea at all—how control over the world's facts becomes a seductive temptress, ceaselessly tormenting our only too-human editors to feel the raw, exhilarating, godlike power of manipulating the truth for our own selfish ends. The price of a car wash is also $5 not $8.
An article yesterday repeatedly referred to Hillary Clinton as “the birthday girl.” This was unprofessional and entirely inaccurate.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.
The headline of Tuesday's article about homegrown terrorism was not as alarmist as it could have been.