Running Back, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Speed and size allow him to easily evade reporters; Works well with holes, openings, gaps

Weaknesses: Spending majority of game underneath 1,200 pounds of football players may eventually take a toll on health; Bashful, so needs encouragement from teammates to pick up blitzers; Refuses to gain yards before contact

Nickname: The Fellow Whose Traits Are Reminiscent Of A Beast’s

Running Style: Menopausal rhinoceros

Pregame Ritual: Headbutting Percy Harvin 10 times for good luck

Biggest Motivation: Seeing fan-made “BEAST MODE” signs in the crowd during a game

Social Security Number: 651-42-7506

NEXT: Richard Sherman