Miami's Alleged Violations

As the University of Miami is investigated for illegal dealings between players and boosters, Onion Sports offers this handy guide to what is alleged to have happened:

• Players forgot to give the NCAA a cut
• While players waited for prostitutes to arrive, boosters would often get naked and tell players to go ahead and do whatever they wanted to tide them over
• Hurricanes gave world Ray Lewis
• All deals had to take place under the table, as Miami student-athletes don't understand how tables work
• Free ketchup packets with every meal
• After just a year or two, some players received the benefit of leaving Miami forever
• Those keychains with the button that you push and they light up: They got those
• Top-flight athletes were illegally paid for their on-field performances in nationally televised sporting events that legally made the school hundreds of millions of dollars